Monday, August 3, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
I've recently been occupied with tracking down the underground cult of Newsies followers. Although the Disney movie flopped when it came out in theaters in 1992, it has acquired a modest following through the web. What does that mean, you might wonder? It means meticulous lists, puzzles, endless fan vids, and unapologetic fan sites about their mild "obsession."
I recently found this website, "Mush's Goil," devoted to everything Newsies, with a new quotation updated every week:
My favorite thing about this site is the "You know you're obsessed when..." list. Here are some of my favorites:
5. You and your friends go by your newsie names
13. Whenever you see "Fe" on the periodic table you immediatly think of Santa Fe and have a sudden urge to kick up dust
26. You have a Newsies outfit
27. You wear your Newsies outfit regularly
42. You think you see the Newsies in the most random places (I thought I spotted Trey Parker in WalMart one time.. but of course it wasnt him)
73. You've spent over 100 dollars on Newsies memerobilia.
88. You've had at least one one hour long phone conversation with a fellow newsie freak of just singing the songs. (I know I've had more than one!)
There's an entire page devoted to the hatred of the heroine in the movie, "Sarah," because she gets to kiss Christian Bale (aka Jack Kelly) at the end of the movie. The complaints? "She sounds like a man." I finally figured out that the maker of the site is an 17 year old self-proclaimed "RENThead" (that word gives me the creeps) who apparently grew up with Broadway coming out of her rear. She states:
"My dream roles are to be Glinda in Wicked, Velma in Chicago, Christine in Phantom, Amneris in Aida or Mimi in Rent."
Shoot big, there, kiddo.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I just feel for Stacey Q. She wasn't Madonna, no. That's understandable. But she wasn't even a Debbie, or a Tiffany. She could only be herself, and that ultimately caused her demise in the pop sphere.
I'm taking a TESOL/TEFL certification class right now, and the material makes me want to scrape out my earwax and make a little earwax doll in the middle of class so I can have something to play with. This is gross.
I eat many peanut butter sandwiches. I eat one per day, and for a while I thought about upping the number to two or even two and one half peanut butter sandwiches per day. That struggle remains unresolved. Maybe I will make peanut butter bananas or ants on a log or switch the brand of peanut butter instead.
According to the Chinese Zodiac, I was born in the Year of the Snake. I realized that this has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Why don't they make round cookies with fortune cookie-type batter? Is the fortune/shape essential to the fortune cookie experience? If I have the cookie in a different shape, sans fortune, can I still call it a fortune cookie?
Adrien Brody. I've finally decided that he is an attractive man.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Poetry is good, but in the end we're most interested in the poets.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I'm thinking her name is "Denise." She's an MFA grad from U Michigan, class of 2002, who freelances and temps while writing her novel about a woman who moves to Austrailia on a whim and falls in love with a hairy aussie 20 years her elder. Denise has never been married, but she loves her niece and three triplet nephews, an, of course, LIP PLUMPER.
My favorite paragraph on the whole page:
"Celebrity Sexy Pout is THE BEST ONE ,The first thing I noticed was that it smells yummy, not spicy. I figured "it's probably decent". Understatment of the year! It is the best plumper on all levels: It's got a sexy sheen, it stays put for hours, and the plumping lasts for days. This was the only plumper that had a semi-permanent effect. It's like you can actually feel the lips swelling from the inside out. BUT..if you overuse it, your lips can look a bit too plump (I was asked if I had injections a couple times). The most impressive plumper of the bunch."
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
After a long hiatus from the blog, I have decided to return in a big way...with Siamese Crocodile Twins. Why did I stop? Sometimes the level of inanity to which I routinely ascend scares me. I panicked on February 11th after the beef jerky panties post, not wanting to become yet another posterchild of the Look-At-Me generation obsessed with sniffing out insipid internet truffles.
But then last night I had a revelation. I was looking at Gwyneth Paltrow's celebrity blog, GOOP, and I realized that not only do I hate Gwyneth Paltrow for being a beautiful film actress with fruit children and a rockstar hubby to boot, but I also hate everything her blog stands for...those verbal icons...her director friends...etc. I looked around, and I was alone in the room. There was not a single person I could tell about Gwyneth Paltrow's blogging atrocity, and suddenly I became very afraid. My soap box was floating somewhere a million miles away. "I could send out a mass text," I thought, "But then I would be branded as a psycho...where could I funnel my heavy-handed opinions so someone, someone, could read them? My thoughts must be read."
Then the blog, oh, the sweet sweet blog came back to me: my meglomaniacal stomping grounds, my personal piece of real estate on the world wide web where I can fell as many trees I want. Somebody's gotta hear eventually. Somebody. I am a part of the Look-At-Me generation whether I want to accept it or not.
And so I accept.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
This is a picture of Beyonce from her new "Diva" video. I don't know where her glasses are from, but they look like the French clothing designer Bless that made these grimy horse glasses below:
They also made these glasses and a wire pin that says "uncool."
Here is a video from one of their concept fashion shows. I think the models are playing soccer?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Flint: "Let me give you free cash money."
The State of Nevada: "No thanks, Gizmo doppelganger. We'd rather be the conservative bastion of gambling and drinking than be paid off by whores."
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I'm sicker than a Great Dane right now. My lymphnodes are bigger than a Great Dane right now. I'm burning more flu calories in my chest than Michael Phelps would if he made love to the energizer bunny. There are all the typical Saturday night bumps of exuberance in the boxes surrounding my dorm room, and I'm completely miserable.
Friday, January 23, 2009
First, Finn (the mascot) is blowing orange bubbles (!) and "riding" a bike (with a safety first helmet). He accentuates his "Now Made With Whole Grain" message with a pedophilic grin that's wider than the Mormon Tabernacle. This message is essentially meaningless, because one serving provides a measly 2g of Dietary Fiber. That's about enough for a worm to poop with ease. Another disconcerting fact about this package is the ingredients list, which is preempted by the phrase, "Made with smiles and..." While this kind of cutsy marketing works for Trader Joe's, Peppridge Farm is too far down the mainstream pipe to handle creative deviation.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
And then watch as much of this youtube video that you can stomach. 100% of the people in Bithlo are like this man.
Maybe I want to get poisoned from my polycarbonate Nalgene filled with stroketastic Sparks. Maybe I want my baby to wear a vinyl bib. Maybe I want to lead a lead-exposed lifestyle. It's my prerogative. I don't need no CPSC to tell me what to do.
Aaaaand I promise I'm not a Republican. Gross.
Friday, January 16, 2009
One crisp autumn morning, Betty greeted her father in their kitchen. He gave a cold grunt and returned to the shoe in front of him. She tried to talk about her school day ahead and her plans for later on that evening. "Enough of your flummery, Betty," her father replied. "I need you to stay in the kitchen all day and make me a delicious pandowdy, and then maybe you can go out." Betty was so angry, she took out a gun, shot her father in the chest, and watched him slump to the floor.
I can't wait until I'm really old, like 70 or 80, when I can yell offensive things at younger people like "Screw off, whippersnapper!" as I pass them in a bikini on a periwrinkle beach bike, cigarette teetering on my lips, my wrinkled, leathery flesh rippling in the wind as I go 2 miles per hour through the streets of Boca Raton, the humidity seeping through my dentures and moisturizing the lone piece of hair that trails off the top of my scalp. I will be accompanied across the street by younger men. I will gloriously remember nothing but things that happened before I turned thirteen. I will eat only chocolate and maybe some prunes to keep balanced. I will walk around nude and pretend it's my dementia acting up.
I also want to become this woman, because setting a Guinness World Record in the last five days of one's life sounds weirdly satisfying.
There's a fine line between totally funny and totally depressing.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
- "I would never have expected in my life in working here there would be a wedding," restaurant manager Carl Hamlow said.
- "We have the same brain, just in two bodies," Paul Brooks said. "We think alike in virtually every manner. We have the same interests, viewpoints."
- "This is the way to go — there's no stress," said the groom's mother, Kathy Brooks.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
- I cannot pronounce Bildungsroman after many tries. I remain unsympathetic towards the plight of George W.
- I wonder if I will ever be able to appropriately use the word "energumen."
- The phrase "at sixes and sevens," does not make British English more endearing. Nor is "British English" as "tautologous" as John Bull might think.
- I need to curtail my no strings attached sessions with Wikipedia, because I end up finding articles like this that test the strength of my gag reflex.
- There are human limitations to coffee consumption.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Some people claim that fake nails are "tacky," but they've never experienced the raw feeling of power that comes from having a hand punctuated with five polyresin acrylic weapons. Sure, they limit the range of a woman's abilities much like Chinese foot binding, and probably cause the soil to churn above Betty Friedan's grave, but typing has never been more of an adventure in depth perception!
But these are effing disgusting.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Carbonated water, citric acid, concentrated grapefruit juice, potassium citrate,
potassium benzoate and EDTA, aspartame, acesulfame potassium,
acacia, natural flavors, glycerol ester of wood rosin, bromated vegetable oil, carob bean gum.
"The term natural flavor or natural flavoring means the essential oil, oleoresin, essence or extractive, protein hydrolysate, distillate, or any product of roasting,
heating or enzymolysis, which contains the flavoring constituents derived from a spice, fruit or fruit juice, vegetable or vegetable juice, edible yeast, herb, bark, bud, root, leaf or similar plant material, meat, seafood, poultry, eggs, dairy products, or fermentation products thereof, whose significant function in food is flavoring rather than nutritional."