Friday, December 19, 2008

To tamp or not to tamp?...

...TAMP, please, for the love of God!

The other day, a friend of mine sat down at the dinner table with a large bowl of untamped Fruit Loops and immediately lifted the spoon to his mouth. Here's his perspective:

Can you see the moistened Fruit Loops mingling with the dry ones? Are you scandalized? That's what I thought. "But it's all going to the same place!" he protesteth. To that, I answer: would you drink 12 fl. oz. of olive brine with suspended pimento-stuffed olives, chase it with vodka, and then tell people you had a few dirty martinis? Let me answer this unfair rhetorical question: no, no you wouldn't, because it would be stupid and you would die from a stomach ulcer.

I know your stomach is rumbling, but it only takes a few moments to tamp your cereal for complete milk saturation of every cereal particle. Take your spoon and lightly tap all parts of the cereal down until the milk has soaked in. Lift the spoon to mouth and enjoy the fruits of the tamping process (yes, the word tampon comes from the same French root, but try not to think about that when you're eating).

While we're on the topic of cereal, I'm pretty angry Kellogg's doesn't make this cereal anymore. It probably offends their Seventh Day Adventist roots and is full of trans fats and partially hydrogenated soybean oils and corn syrup, but my-oh-MY doesn't it look tasty! This is a cereal worthy to be tamped.
On the other end of the spectrum, however, I was dinking around online and found the worst cereal I've ever seen. Just because the blue cheese is white and is used as a binding medium does NOT make it equivalent to milk. Read this blog ironically; every other interpretation makes me depressed that such a thing as the internet exists. For example:
"A lot of things go through one's mind when chopping up a pound of bacon at 10pm on a Saturday night. The first being "I really need a girlfriend," the other is the realization of how much work it is to make your own bacon bits. Luckily we live in a modern world where bacon is readily available in bit form."
And he didn't even tamp!

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