Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
- Bagel with schmear: 450 calories, 21 g fat
- NY-style cheese pizza slice: 460 calories, 13 g fat
- Hot dog: 309 calories, 20 g fat
- Cheesecake: 980 calories, 69 g fat
- NY strip steak: 450 calories, 28 g fat
I guess the point of this post is, does ANYONE out there listen to Paris Hilton anymore?!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Though I like the way this trailer-maker casted the movie, I don't think Brad Pitt will be Lion-O; he's too busy getting The Curious Case of Benjamin Button beaten by his ex-wife at the box office with her sugarpop ode to dog lovers Marley and Me, a film I'm fairly certain I would rather be pistol-whipped with a can of Cheese Whiz than see.
The funniest thing about this movie is that all the Gen-Xers that actually watched the show in the 80's have kids just young enough that they won't be able to take them to see it due to violence.
Also, this website is really dumb, but I suppose people need an alternate activity to do when they're not playing the Dungeon Master at their weekly D & D chapter meeting.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
After finishing the bizarre travel book Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell (a good read if you can stomach the oft stilted metaphors and the detailed explanations of her NPR-endorsed, New York left wing lifestyle, her political alignment, and her favorite yogurt choices for breakfast), I looked up pictures of notable assassins from Booth on, and guess what? Fifty to sixty percent of them have "bedable features," a phrase I read once in a Cosmopolitan while my back was uncomfortably kneaded by a massage chair at a mani-pedi salon.
Here are my top favorites, in order of hotness:
- John Wilkes Booth (killed Lincoln)
3. Lee Harvey Oswald (killed John F. Kennedy)Or did he? His biceps could be a bit beefier and some pectorals could complement the Miami Vice look nicely, but all things considered I give him a 6.5 to 7. Plus it sucks to be an assassin and get assassinated.
This mug shot/Marc Jacobs ad has the right mix of wistful remorse, nonchalance, and twentysomething grunge, as if he's saying, "What, did I stutter?"
6. Leon Czlogosz (killed William McKinley)
He's got the bone structure and the cleft chin, but the head to neck ratio, I must admit, is a little disconcerting. His looks are about as forgettable as his actions. McKinley who?
7. Charles Guiteau (killed James A. Garfield)
And now for the BIGGEST LOSERS. Don't ask me why assassins of musicians are always ugly, piggish Weight Watchers candidates.
Mark David Chapman (killed John Lennon)
Yolanda Saldivar (killed Selena)
Friday, December 26, 2008
Every year I wake up on January 1st and think, "This is the year Fred Phelps Sr. (aged 79), founder of WBC, is going to croak," and every year he continues to outlive my expectations. Of course, he has nine children to carry on the Westboro dynasty (thirteen, if four weren't estranged), the little Raouls to his Fidel. I will admit, the man does have an impressive legacy; no one else wears the crown of "All-American Douchebag," garnished with numerous counter-hate websites. Phelps makes Howard Stern look like the tacky drunk Best Man at a redneck wedding.
WBC has an exciting lineup for the new year, especially on January 19th. They plan to make eleven tour stops in one day (with direct quotations taken from their website) in Our Nation's Capital:
- Federal Courthouse in Baltimore: "We will come and picket outside that vile Federal Courthouse where they put the servants of God on trial for the simple reason that they SERVE GOD."
- France Embassy: "...a most debauched, filthy people."
- Canada Embassy: "land of Sodomites" and "We have DNA evidence against that evil land."
- Australia Embassy: "Heath Ledger is in hell" and "the entire nation was founded by convicted murderers, rapists, and treasonous peoples."
- UK Embassy: "The Queen is a whore!" and "Episcopals are tyrants."
- Holy See (Vatican) Embassy: "What type of tyrannical freaks would call themselves a separate nation and then set about to change times, and laws and subjugate their people to offer up their little babies to the pedophile monsters called their holy priests, except they are in fact the servants of Satan? "
- Kenya Embassy: "Kenya is a murderous land of heathen, you know!"
- Switzerland Embassy: "You sit quietly by while those nations around you devour their people, and then profit from their misery."
- Ireland Embassy: "A most violent, superstitious devout catholic pile of pooh!"
- Italy Embassy: "From their libidinous leaders, to their really "wise" men, you each one hate God."
- Israel Embassy: "And just because you pretend you are following the teachings of God - that does not make it so."
The reasons for picketing sound like 7th grade world history textbook stereotypes. And many of them are plain wrong: the French are no more debauched than Americans, Switzerland played an anciallary role in WWII in aiding the Axis, Brokeback Mountain is a pathetic reason to hate an entire continent, and Episcopalianism is purely an American phenomena. Plus the one about Kenya is just mean.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I feel like a bad person for watching this and laughing hysterically, but it's Christmas and at least Santa won't judge me. Plus I'm sharing the joy and mirth that marks this wonderful time of year.
In other news, Klaus Kinski is a tad bit schitzo.
Which reminds me of the only dreams I can remember from this semester: a Pixar-style underwater cartoon with battling mollusk and soft-shell turtle, one in which I wrote a 100 word essay and won a billion dollars from a magazine, and one in which I was harrassed by a cheeky spider monkey that looked a little like Jim Carey during his Liar Liar heyday. I'm sure the last one was a result of watching Aguirre, Wrath of God+dream-inducing midnight snacks. No more pepperjack pumpernickel sammies for this snoozer, no siree.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The two most emotionally disturbing parts about this photo:
1) The multiplicity of Bratz doll types. Their names from left to right are: Yasmin, Meygan, Cloe, Monica, Lindsey, Sasha, and Jade (not pictured: Leah).
2) The resident of this house spent countless painstaking hours with a jigsaw and acrylic paints to get this desired look. Nothing screams more Florida than the plywood Christmas decor cutouts (except, of course, the nylon Santa alligator in the foreground with bedroom eyes).
After seeing this, I decided to research the Bratz dolls because I wanted to understand the motivation behind such aesthetic atrocity, but now I kind of wish I had rested content in my Bratz ignorance. They were created in 2000 by an Iranian Jewish immigrant Isaac Larin (wasn't Ruth Handler the daughter of Russian Jewish immigrants???) because he thought Barbie dolls weren't diverse enough. Hence the main Bratz character Yasmin was born, with a Jewish-Latina background and a passion for fashion.
Unfortunately for the carpenter/creator of these delighful, sugary 4' decorations, the extinction of the Bratz dolls is nigh due to a lawsuit Mattel brought against their manufacturers. You can read the article here.
Here's my favorite quotation from the article:
A 2007 report by the American Psychological Association Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls called Bratz dolls' miniskirts, fishnet stockings and feather boas "sexualized" and argued that the dolls' "objectified sexuality ... is limiting for adolescent girls, and even more so for the very young girls who represent the market for these dolls."
From playing with unrealistic collogen-lipped dolls to two-bit trolling street whore in a matter of moments...how the kiddies grow up so fast these dayz.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I thought the other day how nice it is that I can supplant my Facebook/compulsive email checking addictions with wedding websites, but after a few hours scrolling blogs devoted to gardenia centerpieces and the nouveau riche trendy cigar bars, I feel hungover from prolonged exposure to extravagance.
Best thing about weddings countdown list:
10) Eye-coddling color combinations
8) Fat & bald bachelor groomsmen
7) Cake sans fondant (does anyone else think it tastes like an admixture of old person's skin and wax???)
5) People "dancing"
4) The toasts...ouch, that was an uncomfortable reference...
3) Wedding rice being biodegradable
2) String quartets
1) Open bar: there for you to suck important information out of drunk relatives
Oh yeah, and that love thing too.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
With the "cholera epidemic" raging (put in scare quotes because some people seem to think that it's N.B.D.), things are getting hairier and hairier in Harare. Or are they? President Robert Mugabe is sporting a thinner toothbrush mustache style these days, confining it to his impressively large philtrum, a trait he shares with the Mad Hatter et al.
If you haven't heard of Mugabe, allow me to fill you in on the highlights of this Zimbabwean nightmare. He's the guy who once said, "The only white man you can trust is a dead white man." Of course, when it comes to deranged dictators, he's no Turkmenbashi in the lavish personal expenditures department, but he has managed to hike Zimbabwe's inflation rate into a comfortable zone of insanity. But the worst thing of all is that dumb Hitler/Chaplain 'stache. In that centimeter-wide strip resides almost thirty years of totalitarianism and borderline personality disorder. Cute.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Which got me thinking: there's nothing more disgusting than an Oakland Raiders fan.
Don't worry, she's only had 2 1/2 Bud Lights at this game. (But it's fitting...every true Raiders fan probably have some mild form of F.A.S. imparted by their equally mentally stupefied parentals). I figure there are three types of diehards who follow the Raiders, even with a record as shaming as theirs:
1) People who never got enough of Gene Simmons
2) People with mild F.A.S.
3) People who buy roadside Native American art
Sorry, Jessica Alba, I know you're such a fan, but you hate Kiss and I'm pretty sure you're too rich to know what a roadside stand looks like.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
But with the hand gestures we Americans have, we seem to get by okay. Of course, there's nothing like throwing up a palm in Greece or flashing the peace sign in England, but the good old middle finger usually does the trick when you want to insult a biker outside a seedy redneck bar in the Ozarks. The middle finger is America's premier offensive symbol: simple, strongly erect, relatively easy to negotiate despite the stubborn ring finger phalanges, sexually suggestive...it's everything an American desires in a hand gesture.
Recently, though, the "up yours" attitude of the middle finger has been supplanted by the much more metaphorically complex "shocker" gesture, which is not to be confused with the Pitchfork, the Arizona State official hand gesture (which magically looks exactly the same!). It's amazing to me how diverse our 43rd President George Walker Bush is in the bedroom, because not only does he endorse the "two in the pink, one in the stink" mentality:
But he also does some crap I don't even want to think about:
Stay strong, Laura. We need you until January 20th, 2009.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Obviously some poor soul with a #5 Wilton pipebag had some serious transliteration issues. I think the saddest thing about this website is the fact that all of the cakes were professionally made, meaning people actually paid money for this tripe. Yeesh. At least it makes me feel better about the time I made a cake in the shape of an amphora by Exekias and won first place in a high school Latin competition, which is almost as bad as winning a Razzie for atrocious acting in Gigli. I also once made a cake with integral and derivative equations piped on the side for a calculus class, because it was either distraction through baked goods or the game-where-we-make-each-other-pass-out to help us get through that God-awful hour and ten minutes in second period. I might have fared poorly on the A.P. exam, but at least my sweet tooth and nerdy confectionery penchant were fully satisfied.