Sunday, December 28, 2008

Derek Zoolander Got It Right

After finishing the bizarre travel book Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell (a good read if you can stomach the oft stilted metaphors and the detailed explanations of her NPR-endorsed, New York left wing lifestyle, her political alignment, and her favorite yogurt choices for breakfast), I looked up pictures of notable assassins from Booth on, and guess what? Fifty to sixty percent of them have "bedable features," a phrase I read once in a Cosmopolitan while my back was uncomfortably kneaded by a massage chair at a mani-pedi salon.

Here are my top favorites, in order of hotness:
  1. John Wilkes Booth (killed Lincoln)
Back in the day, this dashing dandy broke many a heart with his smoldering looks and keen fashion sense. Two parts Rhett Butler, one part Brad Pitt, all sex.

2. Gavrilo Princip (killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand)
Not only did this saucy Yugoslavian Nationalist start the Great War, but he has the emotional eyes and the square jawline of a lady killer as well. The 'stache ain't bad, either.

3. Lee Harvey Oswald (killed John F. Kennedy)

Or did he? His biceps could be a bit beefier and some pectorals could complement the Miami Vice look nicely, but all things considered I give him a 6.5 to 7. Plus it sucks to be an assassin and get assassinated.

4. Sirhan Sirhan (killed Bobby Kennedy)

This mug shot/Marc Jacobs ad has the right mix of wistful remorse, nonchalance, and twentysomething grunge, as if he's saying, "What, did I stutter?"

5. James Earl Ray (killed Martin Luther King Jr.)
He looks like James Dean going as Kurt Cobain for Hallowen.

6. Leon Czlogosz (killed William McKinley)

He's got the bone structure and the cleft chin, but the head to neck ratio, I must admit, is a little disconcerting. His looks are about as forgettable as his actions. McKinley who?

7. Charles Guiteau (killed James A. Garfield)

His Rasputinesque wild eyes freak me out, not gonna lie. But out of all of the assassins on this post, he definitely wins the crazy award. Five years in the Oneida community, stalked the president for the French ambassadorial appointment, the "stalwart of Stalwarts"...he makes John Brown as benign as my grandmother's foot corns.

And now for the BIGGEST LOSERS. Don't ask me why assassins of musicians are always ugly, piggish Weight Watchers candidates.

Mark David Chapman (killed John Lennon)

Yolanda Saldivar (killed Selena)

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