After finishing the bizarre travel book Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell (a good read if you can stomach the oft stilted metaphors and the detailed explanations of her NPR-endorsed, New York left wing lifestyle, her political alignment, and her favorite yogurt choices for breakfast), I looked up pictures of notable assassins from Booth on, and guess what? Fifty to sixty percent of them have "bedable features," a phrase I read once in a Cosmopolitan while my back was uncomfortably kneaded by a massage chair at a mani-pedi salon.
Here are my top favorites, in order of hotness:
- John Wilkes Booth (killed Lincoln)
3. Lee Harvey Oswald (killed John F. Kennedy)Or did he? His biceps could be a bit beefier and some pectorals could complement the Miami Vice look nicely, but all things considered I give him a 6.5 to 7. Plus it sucks to be an assassin and get assassinated.
This mug shot/Marc Jacobs ad has the right mix of wistful remorse, nonchalance, and twentysomething grunge, as if he's saying, "What, did I stutter?"
6. Leon Czlogosz (killed William McKinley)
He's got the bone structure and the cleft chin, but the head to neck ratio, I must admit, is a little disconcerting. His looks are about as forgettable as his actions. McKinley who?
7. Charles Guiteau (killed James A. Garfield)
And now for the BIGGEST LOSERS. Don't ask me why assassins of musicians are always ugly, piggish Weight Watchers candidates.
Mark David Chapman (killed John Lennon)
Yolanda Saldivar (killed Selena)